Hi! This is my first submission, so please be kind! Criticise on whatever you want; did you find it boring, over descriptive, etc. Ignore things such as spelling, though. I'm from Britain, so I've spelt a lot of things differently from the spell check, but that I know are right. Happy reading!
The long road had turned to mud. Tall ash trees grew along the edges in scattered abundance, bending under the wind. They leaned over the travellers' path, intimidating and skeletal against the black sky. Rain lashed down, and the road appeared to boil as the drops hit the floor.
She strode along the road, ignoring the bitter cold, and the pain caused by the bullet-like drops of water. She was hooded, in a defiant attempt at shutting out the rain. She walked incredibly smoothly, as if she was floating on air, somehow managing not to trip or stumble in the puddles and potholes. Watery mud splashed around her long-booted feet, and seeped into her cloak.
At last, a small inn came into sight, tucked away at the side of the road, its candlelit windows flickering. She stopped, and tilted her head back, letting the violent rain sting her face. She sighed, and moved on again. The inn came ever closer, until at last she was standing right outside its door. She stood for a moment, looking the shabby building up and down, taking in the crooked windows, the leaking roof, and the soot stained chimney, which was currently belching forth thick smog-like smoke. A dirty sign hung above the door, swaying with the wind. On it could be seen, barely legible, the words 'Singing Kettle Inn.' A somewhat unsuitable name. Yet, it was just another sign of the way the world had changed. During the past three centuries the decay of humanity had lain over the land, slowly but surely seeping into all aspects of life. Recently, however, things had taken a turn for the worse.
She lowered her eyes and slowly pushed the cracked door open, knowing that any sudden movement would cause the wood to split. As she stepped over the threshold, the room suddenly went quiet. She stood just inside the doorway, and surveyed the low-ceilinged area, taking in the rotten tables, the broken chairs, and the heavy scent of tobacco, beer and ale. Eventually, the babble of talk broke out again, and people returned to their own business.
She turned to close the door, then lowered her hood, revealing long, dark brown hair that was flecked with red. She made her way over to the innkeeper, who was behind the counter.
"One water," she said. The innkeeper stopped and stared at her, seemingly transfixed. This seemed to cause her some annoyance, and quietly, but firmly she uttered a "please." He came back to his senses and bent down, emerging again with a brown glass. Slowly he poured some water from a jug, and handed it to her. She took it without a word, and made her way over to an empty corner of the room. She sat down on a wooden chair, and put her legs up on the table, which was burned and scuffed. She sipped her drink, quietly watching the activities around her.
Two old men at a table in the middle of the room seemed to be the centre of attention. One was waving a long, thin stick in the air, and the other was gesticulating wildly, obviously strongly opposed to whatever was going on. Suddenly, without warning, there was a loud bang, and the room filled with smoke. After a few minutes it cleared to reveal the two men, one now very startled, the other extremely angry. They both had blackened faces, and the spectators roared with laughter. They left hurriedly, and the audience quietened down.
She snorted. It was obvious that the fools had tried to perform so-called 'magic.' Magic didn't exist. Anybody with the slightest amount of wisdom, study and experience knew that. But those sorts of people were becoming increasingly harder to find these days, especially in the Outlands. And these cheap tricks circulated heavily on the Black Market. The state of things being as they were, people would do all manner of things to believe they had something, anything, that would help them. They bought these 'wands,' and numerous other fake items labelled 'Magic,' gaining false hope, while the tradesmen behind the scams were laughing as they retrieved their riches. Hope was the one thing that kept many going - hope for a better life. Sad were the lives of the sceptics, the non-believers. They had no hope, and so were doomed with the knowledge that circumstances were only likely to get worse.
"Excuse me." She had been sitting quietly, drink on the table, drowning in these thoughts when suddenly she was brought back to reality. She cursed herself for allowing herself to slip away like that. No good came of letting your guard down in these situations.
"Excuse me." She looked up to see a short, balding man. He looked intensely nervous, and sweat was running down his forehead.
"Yes?" she replied.
"Well, I was just wandering... Are you..? Do you know..?"
"Could you please get to the point?" She was tired, and was not in the mood to listen to babblings from sweaty little people. Furthermore, she was curious to know what this person could possibly want with her.
"Is your... um... is your name Mositas? It's just I was given a letter that I was ordered to deliver to someone of your description, should they ever pass through the area." She frowned, not angrily, but in confusion. Who could she think of that knew her name, who was at all interested in writing to her? More importantly, who knew that she was in this area in the first place? She certainly hadn't told anyone where she was going, chiefly because of the fact that she hadn't known herself.
"May I see the letter?" she asked.
"Of course." The man dug his grimy little hand into his pocket, and brought back a tightly furled scroll, sealed with red wax. No wonder he was so nervous. This type of grandeur was so rare nowadays; even the upper classes used it only on special occasions. Her face relaxed in relief, though, and her heart lifted as she recognised the seal.
"Thank you," she said, taking the scroll from his trembling hand. Without a word he turned and scuttled off. She spent a good five minutes twirling the scroll in her fingers, and then tucked it inside her cloak without opening it. Deciding on something, she got up and made her way to the innkeeper.
"Have you got any empty rooms?" she asked. Gesturing to a rickety staircase in the middle of the room, he answered.
"Second door on the right."
"Thank you." She turned and made her way carefully up the stairs, anticipating some sleep. She would be up early in the morning.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello, and welcome to the site ^_^.
This story reminds me of my own. Not really in content (although there are similarities), but in writing style. The style you have here is very similar to my own when I was your age. Unfortunately, you also seem to have the same problems I had.
Here's a quick run over:
‘Rain lashed down, giving the impression that the road was boiling as the drops hit the floor.’
- The second part of this sentence (bolded) doesn’t flow well with the rest of the paragraph. I think it’s because of the ‘giving’ (or maybe ‘giving the impression’).
‘Any passers-by would be given the strong impression that she was under some supernatural influence.’
- Why would they think that? Nothing you have described about her give any hint that there’s something supernatural about her.
- Don’t tell us that she looked as thought she was under supernatural influence. Rather, describe to us what is so unusual about her that gives that impression.
Those aren't the only two line I had a problem with - there were others in there. However, I hope that the following will cover them.
First off the bat - your opening isn't very gripping. Your describing the weather, which - while setting the scene - isn't amazingly interesting. I find a good way to open a story (especially one with multiple chapters) is to start half way through a conversation or action. This'll hopefully catch your reader's attention and draw them into the story (and then you can set the scene).
I also found at times you were telling a little too much. A prime example would probably be the second quotes sentence above (about her seeming under supernatural influence). Another good example would be the line, ‘This left her confused.’ You told us she was confused, and yet I didn’t feel anything. You should instead ‘show’ us her confusion. If you’re not too sure about showing and tell, take a look at this link: http://www.sfwriter.com/ow04.htm (I’ve posted this link on a number of items, but I think it’s a very good one and definitely worth a read).
You’re also rather heavy on with the description. This tends to slow down the action and pace of the story, and - in extreme cases - can end with your reader getting bored. I’m not sure if I really dislike your description here or not - none of it turned me off, and I quite happily read through it all. But others may not have enjoyed it so well… so I’d say, see what other people say, and base your edit off that.
I enjoyed the setting (well, what little we’ve seen of it so far), as well as the mystery clinging around your main character. At the moment I feel kind of distant from Mositas, but that’s okay cos it’s the opening. You can connect us to her later.
Ultimately, this was a good start. It needs editing - but then, all stories do.
Oh yeah - and you could do with double spacing your paragraphs (as in, with a blank line between each paragraph). Indents don’t come through onto YWS. You could either go through it paragraph by paragraph and hit ‘enter’, or if you’re using Word, hit ctrl+f, choose ‘replace’ and put ^P in ‘Find what’, and ^P^P in ‘Replace with’.
I think, in essence, what you have here is good, with the potential to be great. Most of, if not everything, was covered by those above so I suggest you take note. With the telling vs showing, I think Grif overstated it a little bit, you tend to tell too much yes, but telling in and of itself is not bad and can be put to good use--the key is moderation.
I like the character and the dark, kind of seedy world your making here and I think the ornate scroll was brilliant showing us, more effectively then anything you've said, the straits and poverty that is afflicting society. I definetly feel that the dialogue needs stringent re-working, being an theintegral part in any story.
Overall, this is good but it does need some work, for the main part I'd go with the suggestions outlined above.
"Scattered abundance" makes sense in essence, but sounds somewhat contradicting. Generally, when a person things of the word 'abundance' they imagine a large number of things that are packed close together. When they think 'scattered' they think of few things that are spread far apart. I understand that there are many trees, which are apparently widely spaced, but again, it sounds contradicting.
Also, the genre of fantasy is a hard one to write in. Everything being written is created by author, and a reader cannot assume that their world is how they should view your world. Therefore, fantasy authors have more of a need to go into greater detail. However, that is not equal to an excessive use of 'sparkle words'. Believe me, I love big words. But when used to commonly, they can become a nuisance. For example, "intimidating and skeletal against the backdrop of a black sky," is a well constructed and detailed sentence. But I think that "backdrop" is completely unnecessary. "Against a black sky" creates the same effect and tone, but allows the reader more space to twist the scene to their fancy.
I don't know if this was intentional or not, but try to put more space between each paragraph.
Going back to the beginning, instead of putting those into two choppy sentence, try to combine them.
The long road had turned to mud where the tall...
last thing...
Instead of jumping right into a character, give us a short introduction; a segue, if you will. All of a sudden throwing the character in there is a complete surprise to us, as we are still focused on the scenery. So instead of using "She" right off, start with something like "There a woman strode..."
On the whole, I liked it. I love the part where she asks for a water at the tavern. Mainly because it adds potential humor to the story. I do think you should have the innkeeper confused by her request, to make the humor prominent. I mean, how many people would have walked into a tavern and not asked for some kind of alcoholic drink? :} Good job!
Welcome to the writing world. Just remember to critique two stories between submissions.
The underlined comma didn't make sense to me; why break up the sentence?
Instead of floor, how about the road, or the puddles on the road.
1. an
2. defiant seems unnecessary, who is she defying? Nature?
3. invasive is also unnecessary, it would be more effective without it.
4. This sentence is telling instead of showing. If you want to keep this, you can make it so that there are strangers passing her and looking at her weirdly.
1. How can she see the windows from a distance? More likely she would notice the appearance of the building, smoke, not the windows.
2. Somehow this sentence seemed incredibly weird. Is she a glutton for punishment?
3. This is also a strange reaction.
4. The way this was written, you make it sound like the inn is moving, not the girl.
5. I'd be immobile too if a building had decided to move closer to me. Immobile isn't the best term, since it's implied that she is incapable of moving. You could say that she "stood still for a moment", or even better "she stood for a moment" which implies the same thing.
6. How would she be able to tell that the roof was leaky? Maybe some other description, like holes in the roof.
7. Smog is more like a dirty fog, or a choking fog. Smoke is more appropriate, you can say it caused her to cough.
8. This is the first time we hear of wind, has it been like this all the time or is this the first time it blows?
9. Remove this sentence, it is telling, not showing. The sentence after it is also telling, but it doesn't tell as much, so it is okay.
Maybe have her go to the bar before they resume chatter.
Nothing glaring out at me here, except for putting her legs on the table. It seems extremely suggestive.
I think it would be better if the old men were young men, who would be more prone to foolishness.
I think you're telling us way too much. The underlined is an info-dump. Show us this or leave it out.
You're telling again. Show us her surprise and frown. Actually, just delete this part, since the next paragraph does this better.
STOP TELLING US AND SHOW US!
Really, it's like the character is incapable of expressing her own emotions. Let her express her emotions, she doesn't need a writer to speak for her.
Um... is wax rare? If red dye rare? If neither are rare, then why is this rare?
Come now, that was cheap. We had a chance to learn more about how the character speaks, but instead you had to tell us what she said.
This is what it sounds like to me.
1. "Penelope is a good dog," the character said.
2. "Reader, the character said that Penelope is a good dog," the author said.
Which is better? The first one? How come you're using the second one then? Let the character speak for herself. You're interfering way too much.
See! You allowed her to speak that time. The result? A good piece of writing.
Show more, tell less. The difference between the two is the difference between me watching a movie, and you telling me what the movie looks like.
Rated PG, please rate your work when you submit it.
Hey! Welcome to YWS- we don't bite. (Maybe?)
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- but got the point across easily and skillfully). There's a good backdrop for despair here, in the place where the people are so down-and-out that they're willing to believe in magic if it will give them something to hope for.
I really liked the air of mystery you put around your man character (Mositas, was it?) and her journey. Even though we haven't learned the motive of it all yet, she's still a likeable character.
A few things I noticed, though:
- Your beginning didn't really hook me. Granted, I'm a tough customer because I don't really like fantasy as a genre, but...it's better to have a good universal opening than whatever is the standard for fantasy. (Whatever it is, your magnificent character work shows that you can do better.
How would you fix this, though? 'Rain lashed down, giving the impression that the road was boiling as the drops hit the floor.' was my favorite sentence in that first paragraph- it was creative, and pretty much summed up everything else that had come before it. Leave it just to this line, but tweak it a little so that you introduce everything properly. Remember, an intro to a setting doesn't have to be a novel unto itself.
- I also thought that the character was a bit too mysterious at the beginning. Describe her appearance other than the hood, since we don't learn her name until the near end. The 'shielding from the rain' thing was good, but we need a little more visual cue to hang on to, something that doesn't involve her clothing.
You set up a very interesting society, though (which you only described briefly- thank God!
Well, I hope you post more of this story- I thoroughly enjoyed it (impressive for a person who says that they don't like fantasy, no?). If you've got any questions, feel free to ask here or PM. Hope to see you around the forums!